i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
