i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize