Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
