Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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