Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
