How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Randomize
