just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
