I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
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