Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
