The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Dear god my vagina.
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