so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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