Soap is not a condiment
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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