My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
