Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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