I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
