my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
