i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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