i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
