I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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