There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize