she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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