I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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