Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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