My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
