I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
