You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize