Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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