just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize
