its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
