No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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