So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
God I need to hump something, right now.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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