Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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