If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize