sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
It's just like the Real World with babies
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Randomize
