does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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