I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
