It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
