fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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