38 yer olds are good kisserssss
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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