I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Randomize
