She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
