census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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