btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
