I wish my penis had an off switch
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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