How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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