if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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