can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
