im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
