I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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