Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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