Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
