i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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