I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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