Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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