Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
